Living with Grief

Bereavement

The term ‘bereavement’ describes the experience of grief and mourning following the death of someone who was important to us, and it can be one of the hardest things we have to endure in our lives. It obviously affects us emotionally, but it can also trigger physical responses. It can be agony watching others go about their daily lives when your heart feels like it’s breaking. Grief is a very complicated thing indeed.

Time

There is something true about ‘Time Heals’ but it is different for everyone. Every single person deals with loss in a different way, and that is fine and normal, and no one should ever put a time frame on your grief. There are many stages of grief, so you must be patient with yourself, and allow the space and time to get through them in your own way. Be as tolerant with yourself as you would be with others that you love, if they were struggling too.

Reactions and Feelings

You may experience a whole host of reactions to losing someone. You may feel completely numb, or be overcome with emotion, or anything in between. This may happen straight away, at the funeral, or months or even years later. You may be in shock, or denial, feel ill, or not be able to sleep. You may have weird dreams or want to do nothing but sleep – again – there are no ‘normals’ here. You may feel in a panic, be confused, in despair, and most likely, overwhelmed. Grief can come in waves… so you have to ride it, be in it, allow it to come, and know that all the feelings you have are valid – don’t judge yourself. Just be.

You will probably have feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger, regret, disbelief and many other emotions along the way – all perfectly understandable. You may lose your appetite or want to eat all the time – loss has many different effects on us. Feelings can be intense, or you can feel nothing initially. If someone has been very ill or in pain you may even feel some relief – again, a totally normal reaction. You may feel like you can see or hear the person you have lost too – this is just your brain trying to help you process the situation.

Counselling

Grief Counselling can be very useful in helping you to accept the full range of emotions that you feel when you are experiencing grief. It is not for everyone – some people are able to get all the emotional support they need from family members or friends, but sometimes those people are struggling themselves too, as they deal with their own loss, so to reach out to a professional can be a really helpful step to take.

You could also find a local Bereavement Support Group in your area – sometimes it is useful to come together with others that are going through the same journey and difficulties that you are facing. Again – this is not for everyone, but it can be very useful to be in a place where you know others truly understand what you are feeling.

Moving Forwards

Finding healthy ways to move on with your life is really important when you have lost someone. It doesn’t mean you don’t love or miss the person you have lost. It is you exercising some self-awareness and self-care. Know that anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas times etc., will all be very hard to begin with, so you need to plan some ways for you to cope, and to ensure you have much-needed support at these times.

Anything can remind you of your special person at the strangest of times. You may hear a song, see a photograph, watch a movie, visit a favourite place, or have a conversation with a family member or friend and want to share it with that person. You will carry that person with you always in your heart and your memories, and hopefully find ways in the future to celebrate their lives, and the things you shared together.

Taking care of yourself is the absolute most important thing at this time. It’s so easy to forget that when you are feeling low. This can be in the most simple of ways, such as eating good food, trying to get a decent amount of sleep, getting some fresh air every day and sharing your feelings with someone you trust.

Essential Oils to Help with Grief

Listed below are a few Essential Oils that can be useful when we are experiencing a bereavement. Please do check any relevant Safety Data shown at the end of the oil descriptions for Basil, Benzoin and Melissa Essential Oils, to ensure they are safe for you to use.

Basil (Ocimum Basilicum)
This Essential Oil is one of the best nerve tonics we have in Aromatherapy. It is wonderful for depression and melancholy, helping to clear the mind of confusion and worry. It is also believed to stimulate mental clarity and help us with concentration, and for those who are exhausted mentally. Please note: This oil should not be used on babies or children, in pregnancy, or on those with very sensitive skins.

Benzoin (Styrax Benzoin)
This oil is a warming, soothing Essential Oil that is wonderful for dealing with grief, loneliness and fatigue. It is a strong sedative and is great for soothing troubled minds. It has a rich, warm, sweet fragrance which can calm and centre us, and is ideal for anyone feeling needy or neglected, and helps us to feel comforted. Please note: This oil is generally safe, but can cause sensitization in those with hyper-sensitive skins. Also those who are allergic to elastoplast plasters, are probably allergic to this oil too.

Chamomile, Roman (Chamaemelum Nobile)
This Essential Oil is a wonderful sedative and one of the safest oils we have in Aromatherapy. Calming and soothing, suitable for everyone to use, it can be used in times of emotional shock, and is invaluable when trying to recover from a traumatic experience or in times of loss. It can help aid a good nights sleep, helping those suffering from nightmares and insomnia.

Frankincense (Boswellia Carteri)
This oil is often used as an incense for healing during bereavement in many countries (including India, China and Arabia) across the world. It’s warm, sweet aroma brings great comfort and reassurance. It is a wonderful emotional support and helps with feelings of anxiety and stress, restlessness and agitation, melancholy and grief. It is invaluable used with the elderly, and anyone trying to come to terms with loss, and is another very safe oil that we have in Aromatherapy.

Lavender (Lavendula Angustifolia)
Lavender Essential Oil is another one of the safest and most useful oils we have in Aromatherapy. It is wonderful at promoting relaxation, good quality sleep and easing anxiety and stress. It can make you feel a little more in control of your emotions and provide great comfort in times of trouble and sadness. It helps us to accept and adapt to changing situations and can help to build our inner strength, whilst softening the thoughts and relaxing the mind.

Melissa (Melissa Officinalis)
This oil should only be used in low doses, but is an Essential Oil that is particularly useful for bereavement, grief and terminal illness. It is a powerful sedative, so can be invaluable with any sleep issues surrounding grief. It can restore clarity to the mind and also give us a feeling of inner security. Please note: This oil is naturally high in citral so can cause a rise in ocular tension. Use in very low doses only (maximum of 1-2 drops in a 30ml blend).

Myrrh (Commiphora Myrrha)
This Essential Oil is very similar to Frankincense Essential Oil in it’s properties. It is warming and soothing, and also used traditionally for healing – usually with Frankincense too – in religious services. It can affect inner stillness and peace, and can ease sorrow and grief. It helps to ease anxieties and stress, when we need to soothe the mind and heal the pain.

Sandalwood (Santalum Album)
This oil promotes a sense of wellbeing and satisfaction. It is a great regulator, grounding our thoughts and is invaluable in times of trouble and grief. It is wonderful for dealing with anxiety, stress, melancholy, and nervous exhaustion. It is a stabilizing and healing oil and is safe for everyone to use.

To Blend: I would personally use 30ml of a Sweet Almond Base Oil, then add 3 drops of Frankincense, 3 drops of Roman Chamomile, 3 drops of Sandalwood, 2 drops of Benzoin and 1 drop of Melissa, and apply to the face/body. But you can obviously substitute any of the oils listed above as preferred.

Help Guide
In doing some reading for this blog, I found a fantastic article on www.helpguide.org. Just type in ‘bereavement’ into their search option, and then select ‘Grieving the Loss of a Loved One’ to read it for yourself. I think it is one of the best, honest, and easy-to-read articles I have ever read on this subject, and it goes into far more detail than I could on this blog. Well worth a read and a share for anyone experiencing loss of any kind.

Please remember that you are not on your own in this. There will be others struggling with the loss as you are, and others who are there that can give help and guidance to make things a little more bearable. Just take things one day at a time, and find the courage to reach out to others when things get too much. Grief is something all of us feel at some point, whether it’s the loss of a close family member or pet, a friend, a colleague, a job, or someone or something else. Taking things one day, or even one hour or minute at a time is best.